I walked with eyes forward. Step quickly. Attempt to look purposeful.
I had absolutely no idea where I was going.
For over a year, I had been living in Southeast Asia. My group had asked me to move to another city for a month, and do a research project on the area for a new community development team. I had resisted. I had seven excellent reasons why me doing such a research journey by myself was a terrible idea.
But the ugly, true name of the resistance, in this case– resistance to the unknown, to the uncomfortable– was fear.
Somehow I ended up going anyway…. and my fears proved justifiable. My plane was delayed due to heavy winds. My host family couldn’t take me in until five days after I arrived. Foreign politics (in 2007) felt personal to that region’s occupants, and occasionally some people, frustrated with the West’s involvement, would throw angry words toward me as I passed.
On a less serious note, my first conversation with my expat contact was also bumpy– she chose the gentle phrase I would never go out in that to let me know that my capris and short-sleeved shirt were NOT up to the modesty standards of this part of the country.
She also let me know that she wasn’t impressed by my presence in the city. If your company wanted to know something about this area, why not just ask me? What are you going to learn in a month that I don’t know from living here?
What, indeed? I sat gaping at her kitchen table, feeling like an imposition even as she agreed to let me crash with her until my host family returned. She took me to see where she worked, and then I was on my own. Might be exaggerating, but only slightly, to say I was the only blonde in that city of 600,000. And I walked, vaguely thinking I should go shopping for some long sleeves, trying to set my face like flint while internally answering the burning question: Why am I here?
That question returned to me forcefully this week, when I moved in with an Arab host family. Although this “homestay” is just half a month, and in the same city as supportive coworkers… discomfort and the unknown have visited me like distant relatives, the kind who show up without invitation and make themselves at home in the living room, fluffing couch pillows and saying they’ll sleep there just fine, without stopping to ask if they are welcome.
My host family has a beautiful home, and currently one bedroom is being reconstructed, at unpredictable hours. So I may come home late at night to find them demolishing a wall, or wake to the sound of buzz saws and hammers. I can’t seem to get a feel for the rhythm of family life, either. This means long stretches of silence, times when I step out to meet a friend and inadvertently miss a family event, nights when the good conversations don’t begin until late, or don’t begin… Each day’s plans, like the construction noise, are unpredictable, somewhat jarring, and– at least in theory– building something.
Still, I find myself wondering, Am I getting enough language? Am I learning what I need to learn culturally? Is this worth the price, giving up my schedule? Because if unpredictability, for me, is sandpaper, then my desire to plan and achieve must have some rough edges. The friction between the two shapes me, but sometimes I just feel the burn. Why am I here?
As I walked along that road alone in Southeast Asia, I was crying out, “God, I know You are before me, behind me, above me, beneath me. Right now I need to know You are beside me, because I feel so far off…”
And I was remembering the answer to the question: Why I came, is that You told me to be here.
Sitting on a red motorcycle, wearing exercise gear and a white head scarf, balancing a young child behind her, a woman was watching me, curious. “Selamat pagi,” I said as I walked by, greeting her in her language.
She looked shocked. “You speak my language? What’s your name? Why are you here?” A few minutes later, she was inviting me to hop on the red motorcycle.
Although I don’t recommend this in all circumstances, I said yes.
But that is a second story.
–Song with the Story: You Have Called Me Higher, a simple, solid one from All Sons and Daughters