Tag Archives: motorcycle

Burning Question

I walked with eyes forward. Step quickly. Attempt to look purposeful.

I had absolutely no idea where I was going.

For over a year, I had been living in Southeast Asia. My group had asked me to move to another city for a month, and do a research project on the area for a new community development team. I had resisted. I had seven excellent reasons why me doing such a research journey by myself was a terrible idea.

But the ugly, true name of the resistance, in this case– resistance to the unknown, to the uncomfortable– was fear.

Somehow I ended up going anyway…. and my fears proved justifiable. My plane was delayed due to heavy winds. My host family couldn’t take me in until five days after I arrived. Foreign politics (in 2007) felt personal to that region’s occupants, and occasionally some people, frustrated with the West’s involvement, would throw angry words toward me as I passed.

On a less serious note, my first conversation with my expat contact was also bumpy– she chose the gentle phrase I would never go out in that to let me know that my capris and short-sleeved shirt were NOT up to the modesty standards of this part of the country.

She also let me know that she wasn’t impressed by my presence in the city. If your company wanted to know something about this area, why not just ask me? What are you going to learn in a month that I don’t know from living here?

What, indeed? I sat gaping at her kitchen table, feeling like an imposition even as she agreed to let me crash with her until my host family returned. She took me to see where she worked, and then I was on my own. Might be exaggerating, but only slightly, to say I was the only blonde in that city of 600,000. And I walked, vaguely thinking I should go shopping for some long sleeves, trying to set my face like flint while internally answering the burning question: Why am I here?

That question returned to me forcefully this week, when I moved in with an Arab host family. Although this “homestay” is just half a month, and in the same city as supportive coworkers… discomfort and the unknown have visited me like distant relatives, the kind who show up without invitation and make themselves at home in the living room, fluffing couch pillows and saying they’ll sleep there just fine, without stopping to ask if they are welcome.

My host family has a beautiful home, and currently one bedroom is being reconstructed, at unpredictable hours.  So I may come home late at night to find them demolishing a wall, or wake to the sound of buzz saws and hammers.   I can’t seem to get a feel for the rhythm of family life, either.  This means long stretches of silence, times when I step out to meet a friend and inadvertently miss a family event, nights when the good conversations don’t begin until late, or don’t begin… Each day’s plans, like the construction noise, are unpredictable, somewhat jarring, and– at least in theory– building something.

Still, I find myself wondering, Am I getting enough language? Am I learning what I need to learn culturally? Is this worth the price, giving up my schedule? Because if unpredictability, for me, is sandpaper, then my desire to plan and achieve must have some rough edges. The friction between the two shapes me, but sometimes I just feel the burn. Why am I here?

As I walked along that road alone in Southeast Asia, I was crying out, “God, I know You are before me, behind me, above me, beneath me.  Right now I need to know You are beside me, because I feel so far off…”

And I was remembering the answer to the question: Why I came, is that You told me to be here.

Sitting on a red motorcycle, wearing exercise gear and a white head scarf, balancing a young child behind her, a woman was watching me, curious.  “Selamat pagi,” I said as I walked by, greeting her in her language.

She looked shocked.  “You speak my language?  What’s your name?  Why are you here?”  A few minutes later, she was inviting me to hop on the red motorcycle.

Although I don’t recommend this in all circumstances, I said yes.

But that is a second story.

 

–Song with the Story: You Have Called Me Higher, a simple, solid one from All Sons and Daughters

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Wildflowers Live Here Too

I was riding on the back of a motorcycle in Asia when I glimpsed it.  The “motorcycle taxi driver” had taken the long way home. Tired, I wished I had remembered to tell him about the shortcut back to my host family’s place.  I was staying with them for a month while researching their city, and it had been tough– beyond anything I had experienced in the previous year of living in the country.  But we were too far in to take a shortcut.

This route brought us to a different horizon, on the city’s edge.  Instead of smothering smog and sun-concealing concrete, I saw low houses and fields lit up by a glorious orange sky, that was fading to pink, then to dusky blues.  My breath was caught.  Now I wanted the ride to be as long as it could be.

A talented friend, Shawna Handke, gave me a piece of her artwork while I was still in New York (you can see more here at her website).  Wildflowers Live Here Too, she calls it.  I love the movement, the color of the flowers–IMG_1082 and the stark beauty of the solid buildings.

The stories this week include some large piles of concrete, hard edged, pretending they possess power to delete the sun from the sky and keep the ground without life.  I will tell you only one: from a woman who eagerly helped our group pack first-aid boxes to give to refugees.  She is also here in flight of that war.

She showed pictures of her two kids, her mother, her sister, all smiling.  Then she showed a picture of dust and rubble.  “That is all that is left of our home,” she told me.  The difficulties of displaced people go far beyond material provision– loneliness, lack of family network, loss, insecurity… Although now she has become part of community exercise, she said she would go for weeks with no one to talk to, when she first arrived here.

The Wildflowers picture looked bare on my wall, and I found no frame.  So one night, inspired by Brene Brown’s challenge in Daring Greatly that gratitude is a PRACTICE, I grabbed a post-it note, jotted one thing to be grateful for that day, and stuck it on the edge of the picture.  Same thing the next day.  Two days after that.  The frame is a work in progress– sunset-colored notes reflecting the flowers that, in Shawna’s art, tower over black-and-white buildings, and somehow seem far more permanent.

  • My friend’s 6-year-old daughter smiling and greeting me as “Khalto,” the Arabic word for “auntie.”
  • A quiet place outside to sit with my music, journal.
  • A trio of messages from dear friends, coming when I needed them.

A fistful of wildflowers.

And perhaps, I can be a friend– a wildflower to my new acquaintance– as she, with her dedication to helping other displaced people in this town, is a wildflower in my eyes.